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The Not-so-Quiet American

Be vewy vewy quiet, I’m hunting wabbits…
– Elmer Fudd

Speak softly and carry a great guide.
– KC Blau

My first residence in Vienna, not including my dorm room in the 3rd district, was a small apartment on the first floor of a four-story building in the second district. The apartment boasted high ceilings, a shower in the kitchen, and a shared toilet in the hallway (shared with the next door neighbor who liked to chain smoke while using it). I am not sure whether Remaxx would have listed the place as a 2 or 3-room apartment since the kitchen was nothing more than a galley connecting the bedroom and the living room. The apartment had no central heating – just two wood and coal burning stoves that forced me to lug more coal bricks and scrub more soot off of more tall double windows than I care to recall. The bedroom was long and narrow and the best thing about it was the towering oak tree outside the double window.

The tree was multi-functional. First, it served as a home for a woodpecker that liked to peck peck peck at ungodly hours of the morning. Second, and more importantly (in my humble opinion, not Woody’s), its blanketing green leaves served as a screen to the neighbors across the courtyard who liked to hang out on their little balcony in their off-white granny pants while huffing and puffing on their cigarettes. (Austria had a lot of smokers back then). Third, the tree provided shade and kept the bedroom cool all summer. But best of all, the tree absorbed most of the noise that ricocheted throughout the courtyard during the summer months when everyone had their windows open and children liked to play.

But just one floor up lived a Chinese couple who were dear friends and neighbors and Wei did not agree that the tree provided ample sound-buffering. He dreaded the noise from the sandbox play, soccer ball bounces and name calling in not-so-indoor voices. He was a student at the University of Vienna who greatly valued his afternoon naps. Sometimes when very annoyed, he would open his window and yell down and tell them to stop being so loud.

But otherwise, I have to say that Viennese kids, and Europeans tend to speak softly.

And we Americans? It’s not like we’ve never been taught the virtues of being quiet.

You remember, don’t you? The bell rang and the teachers stood holding the doors, ushering the students in from recess or break. Never failed. Amongst the centennials, there was always that one teacher who thought it her God-given duty to lean into the passing students and remind each and everyone of them that it was “Time to use your indoor voices.” How syrupy over-cheerful and very annoying her own sing-song voice chimed out those reminders. And yes, it was always a female teacher doing the dirty work, never the guys.

The Indoor Voice. We all learned about the indoor voice but then– Maybe we were too busy using our outdoor voices to hear the teacher demanding the indoor voices?

"The Quiet American" book jacket

British writer, Graham Greene, wrote a book entitled “The Quiet American.” The American abroad was quiet, and therefore rather suspicious.

Unfortunately, I must concede with the Europeans, we Americans do tend to rarely use our indoor voices –regardless if we are in- or outdoors. And invariably, when I am on the subway and a group of people are being rather loud, the group is almost always a bunch of my fellow countrymen – students or tourists. Or maybe a bunch of Canadians well disguised. The others – like Swedes when they are drunk and visiting Vienna for a soccer match or Russians when they are just drunk, can also be loud but we Americans beat all other nations hands down with our ability to ignore the general tone level of our environment. Even when my fellow Americans are sitting across from one another having a “normal conversation,” unter sich they tend to be loud enough for the rest of the subway car to listen in. Why can’t we just tone it down a bit?

I once spent a whole train ride from Wien Mitte to the airport (about 30 minutes) listening to an American woman and man discuss why a person in their department had to be fired. If you are interested in knowing too, drop me a line, I know every gory detail.

I didn’t write the, “World Citizens Guide, Practical Advice for Americans traveling abroad” but I wish I had. I have kept a copy of it for years because whoever made it was 110% on the money. See the last passage, page three, with the words Be quiet in bold green font. It states, “Less is more. In conversation match your voice level to the environment and other speakers. A loud voice is often perceived as a bragging voice.”

The next edition should be less syrupy overly cheerful and sing-song and simply tell it like it is — that a loud voice is always perceived as an obnoxious voice so keep it down. No innocent bystanders are interested in the turbulance of your plane ride or your encounters with the locals who have the audacity not to speak proper English. Please do me, yourself, your fellow Americans and your host country a great big juicy favor –when traveling abroad, do as the natives do and speak softly, tread gently, and carry a good guide (like my website on your iPad).

Thank you!

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Some must-read literature:

 World Citizens Guide: Some Practical Advice for Americans Traveling Abroad

World Citizens Website with a wealth of valuable information for world travelers

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Airport to City — Transportation Options from VIE to Vienna

 One of the first steps in embarking on an adventure to a new place is successfully navigating your way from the airport to town. Preparedness can make all the difference.

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Or not.

A hundred thousand years ago, while backpacking through India, I visited the government tourist agency in Delhi to inquire about the level of safety in the infamously beautiful but conflict-ridden region of Kashmir. “No worries,” the good lady told me, “perfectly safe.”

Well, welcome to Srinagar! Soldiers brandishing machine guns lined the queue to the obligatory tourist registration desk directly situated beside the arrival ramp. But far more menacing than the questions about next-of-kin to contact in case of kidnapping or death, was the hungry mob of taxi drivers waiting to pounce on the rare clueless backpacker still traveling to the region. Punches were thrown, noses bled and one (un)fortunate driver only barely escaped forced captivity in the trunk of his own taxi.

And just when I thought things couldn’t get worse, lo and behold.

Naturally when we located what seemed to be a trustworthy driver who claimed to be willing to take us to the houseboat we wanted without the old “Oh, that burned down, but I know a good place!” or “You come with me. I know a better deal”, we thought the worst was behind us.

And just when I was about to breathe a sigh of relief, the back door of our taxi flung open and a random German traveler resmbling a Ken doll gone safari dive-bombed himself into our backseat, nearly landing in my lap in the process.

“I’m coming with you!” he declared while wrestling the door shut with both hands as a raving mob of drivers outside tried to yank it back open. They wanted him, he wanted us and we wanted neither him nor them. Our uninvited German had apparently violated some kind of lottery system for passengers. Who knew?

What possessed us to take pity on the intruder and convince our driver that he was indeed with us and could stay? I don’t know. I just know that days later, after he also strong-armed his way onto our house boat, I’d be asking myself that very same question, over and over again.

Our taxi driver, though no doubt skeptical of his own judgment in agreeing to transport us to the Dal Lake given the German-induced ruckus, proved good to his word. We arrived at the St. James houseboat safe, sound but a bit rattled.

Given that and other interesting experiences I’ve had making my way from airports to towns, I’ve come to appreciate any advice locals can offer about the safest, most reliable means to successfully arrive at the preferred destination. For this reason, I dedicate this week’s post to all of you, trying to make it the 16 km from Vienna airport in Schwechat to the city.

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TAXI

Vienna Airport Taxis

Vienna Airport Taxis

Safe, reliable and more expensive than the alternatives are the taxis. However, if you are three people or more, the price difference might not be so great so you might want to opt for the taxi. When you exit customs, go straight out of the airport and there you will see a line of taxis ready and waiting for you. Cost will probably range between 30 and 40 Euros. You can also plan ahead and order a taxi online to pick you up at the airport or hotel. Here are some of the options (Prices as of day of posting this – subject to change so be sure to check):

Airport Driver: 33 Euros (Aug 2014) from Vienna to airport. Book online.

Fluxi: taxi for a set price in a vehicle with free wireless, mineral water and tray. They also offer free car sears for the kids and cars can be booked over their website, Whats app, FB Messenger, Viber or phone. Airport service starts at 28 €.

Red Cab: From Austrian Airlines. 29 Euros to Vienna inner districts for up to 3 passengers and 40 Euros for up to 8 passengers. Book online. Great option for other towns as well.

Blacklane Limousines: Go in style with a BMW, Mercedes or Lincoln Town Car for 34 Euros (Aug 2014).

Airport Taxi: Order online or per SMS. Every 8th service free.

Total Taxi: Starting at 29 Euros (Aug 2014). Book online.

 BUS – Vienna Airport Lines

Vienna Airport Bus

Vienna Airport Bus

The bus is definitely my preferred option. Easy, cheap and fast. When you get to the bus, put your luggage in to the bottom and wait for the driver. When driver arrives, board, and let him/her know one way or return, buy your tickets and then find yourself a seat.

Vienna Airport Bus

Vienna Airport Bus

At the airport, you will find the buses lined up beyond the lines of taxis as you exit directly out the doors when you go through customs. Just make sure you board the bus that will take you to the stop you want to end up at. They leave about every half hour.
Wien Morzinplatz/ Schwedenplatz (U4 & U1)
Wien Donauzentrum (über VIC) (U1)
Wien Westbahnhof (über Meidling Hbf.) (U3)

Rates of the Vienna Airport Lines (as of August 2014)
One way: €8
Vienna-Card
holders: €7
Children up to 15 years: €4
Children up to 6 years: free

You can purchase tickets from tourist information at the airport and on-board the buses directly from the driver

1. City center – Morzinplatz/Schwedenplatz (Subway U1 and U4)

  • Travel time: 20 minutes
  • Operating hours:
    Morzinplatz/Schwedenplatz – Airport

    Daily 0.30 am; 2.00 am; from 4.00 am to 11.30 pm – every 30 minutes
    Airport – Morzinplatz/Schwedenplatz

    Daily 1.20 am; 2.50 am; every 30 minutes from 4.50 am to 0.20 am

2. Westbahnhof – Vienna Meidling Station (Subway U3)

  • Stops: Vienna Meidling Station/Dörflerstraße and Westbahnhof
  • Travel time:
    Westbahnhof: 45 minutes
    Vienna Meidling Station/Dörflerstraße:  30 minutes
  • Operating hours:
    Westbahnhof  – Airport

    Daily every 30 minutes from 5.10 am –  11.10 pm
    Vienna
    Meidling Station – Airport
    Daily every 30 minutes from 5.25 am – 11.25 pm
    Airport –
    Vienna Meidling Station – Westbahnhof
    Daily every 30 minutes from 6.05 am – 0.04 pm

3. Kaisermühlen Vienna International Centre VIC – Kagran (Subway U1 and U2)

Airport Bus Schedule

Airport Bus Schedule

  • Stops: Donaumarina, Hotel Hilton Danube, Kaisermühlen Vienna Int. Centre, Julius-Payer-Gasse, Donauzentrum, Kagraner Brücke
  • Travel time: about  17 to 42 minutes
  • Operating hours:
    Kagran – Airport

    Daily, hourly from 5.58 am – 6.58 pm
    Airport – Kagran

    Daily, hourly from 7.10 am – 8.10 pm

CAT – City Airport Train (fancy double-decker train option)

CAT Website
TICKETS: You can buy your CAT ticket or from ticket machines and from tourist information at the airport.
Kids will love this double decker train. The station is directly at the airport, just follow the neon green CAT signs. Trains leave about every half hour and will take you directly into Vienna to the U4 and U1 station Wien Mitte, which also has a mall and grocery store and is next the shopping street, Landstrasse. But another reason you might want to opt for CAT is the cool option that if you buy your tickets online, and then go to the station the evening before your flight, you can actually check in for many airlines at the CAT station the evening before. This will help you bypass all the annoying summer queues at the airport. Check out their website to see which airlines will allow you to check in at the CAT station the night before and when check in times are. Just give them your luggage, get your boarding pass and then the only thing you have to worry about on the next day when you fly is catching the CAT train to the airport and getting to your gate on time. Very cool. But don’t try to check in without a CAT ticket. They are very strict and won’t let you (not that I would know).

  • runs between the airport and Wien Mitte/Landstraße

    Blurry image of CAT check in at Wien Mitte

    Blurry image of CAT check in at Wien Mitte

  • Travel time: 16 minutes
  • Operating hours:
  • Wien Mitte/Landstraße –  Airport
    Daily from 5.30 am – 11.00 pm
    Airport – Wien Mitte/Landstraße
    Daily from 6.00 am – 11.30 pm
  • Frequency: every 30 minutes
  • Rates:
    One way:
    €11.00
    Return:
    €17.00
  • CityAirport Train for less with the Vienna-Card
    One way:
    €10.00
    Return:
    €16.00
    Children up to 14
    years travel on the CAT free of charge.

EXPRESS TRAIN S7 (public train option) – Subway Station U4 – Wien Mitte

Cheap and reliable, the train will take you directly to the airport.
Runs between the airport and Wien Mitte/Landstrasse

  • Other stops in Vienna: Kaiserebersdorf, Zentralfriedhof S-Bahn, Geiselbergstraße, St. Marx, Rennweg, Praterstern, Traisengasse, Handelskai, Floridsdorf
  • Travel time from/to Wien Mitte/Landstrasse: 26 minutes
  • Operating hours:
    Wien Mitte/Landstrasse – Airport

    Daily from 4.31 am – 11.46 pm
    Airport – Wien Mitte/Landstrasse
    :
    Daily from 4.54 am to 0.18 am
    Timetables for all stations are available at www.oebb.at
    Frequency: mostly every 30 minutes
  • Rates:
    Vienna-Card
     You only need to buy one additional ticket for €2,20 in advance. Please validate before boarding. All holders of a multi-day network card of the Vienna Lines (e.g. 24-hour ticket, 72-hour ticket, weekly ticket, etc.) will also need just one additional ticket.

One way tickets:  €4,40 in advance and at ticket machines. Each passenger needs two tickets of €2,20 each. Validate both tickets before boarding.The one way tickets can be purchased from the tourist information desk at the airport and from ticket machines in Vienna and at the airport. Print This Post

Other good sites about Vienna Airport Transportation
Vienna Now or Never

 Trip Advisor Airport Info

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Vienna Side Trips – Salzburg

Our battered suitcases were piled on the sidewalk again; we had longer ways to go. But no matter, the road is life.
Jack Kerouac, On the Road

Print This Post As gorgeous as Vienna is, you might just want to “get out of the barn” for a few days and take advantage of Vienna’s perfect location in Central Europe as a jumping off point for some amazing side trips.

Zapitillo 2, Panama

Zapitillo 2, Panama

Because let’s face it – we all need a break once in a while – even if you’re in the world’s most livable city. And that’s the reason why I’ve been neglecting you the past two weeks. It’s true. I left my beloved Vienna and had an absolutely wonderful time in Palm-treed, Pina-Colada Panama. And the highlight? A spontaneous outing to the Zapatillas Keys – white sands, turquoise waters and a long walk around the entire uninhabited island of Zapatilla 2 with a cool smooth Balboa Cerveza to compliment the ocean breeze and the Caribbean sun.

Some locals recommended the day trip to Zapatillas and even though the snorkeling left me with a sunburned lip that could rival the best of the botoxed country club moms, I loved it. Which is why, dear readers, I am going to dedicate a few weeks to Vienna side trips. Just for you. The places I would take you. Because I don’t want you to miss these. Book yourself a long vacation – two or three weeks. You deserve it. See Vienna and hopefully a bit more.

This week’s recommendation?

SALZBURG
A man of ordinary talent will always be ordinary, whether he travels or not; but a man of superior talent will go to pieces if he remains forever in the same place.
Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart (I will refrain from using the quote about his hometown of Salzburg and its archbishop in a letter to his father  on 12 July 1783 but it is oh so tempting because the man had such spunk)

Tricky couple in Salzburg

This tricky woman in Salzburg is keeping her man up in the air

Because the hills are alive and it just wouldn’t be right to come to Mozart country without seeing Mozart’s birthplace (Getreidegasse 9).

Hop on the train (Westbahn (run privately) or ÖBB (run by the Austrian gov) and in just under 3 hours, you are in Austria’s second most beautiful city (sorry Salzburg, but I love my Vienna).

Salzburg Card

Save yourself some money and get yourself the Salzburg card. You can buy the card with or without hotel. It’s a very good deal no matter what you decide. I would definitely recommend getting at least the 48 hour card if not 72 hour card.
Link for card with hotels: http://www.salzburg.info/en/sights/salzburg_card/salzburg_card_packages
Link for card without hotels: http://www.salzburg.info/en/sights/salzburg_card/salzburg_card_online_booking
Which sites are included: http://www.salzburg.info/en/sights/salzburg_card).

I’m not getting any kickback on this card. I had to buy my own while there and did. The Salzburg Card will give you entrance to a lot of the tourist attractions AND serve as your public transportation ticket throughout the city and out to Hellbrunn (read more below) AND give you a boat tour of the Salzach complete with your boat doing a little waltz number in the water to the tune of Strauss (I am serious — cheesy – but you’re a tourist – drop the cool and embrace the cheesy).

Makartsteg

The bridge linking Franz Josefs Kai and Ferdinand Hanusch Platz is solely for pedestrians and the one you will probably traverse to go to and from Mirabell Gardens. The first bridge was erected in 1905 and the latest version opened to much fanfare in 2001. More than 20,000 people cross this bridge each day. Don’t miss the romantic locks (and handcuffs) left by lovers on the bridge.

Locks of love on Salzburg's Makartsteg Pedestrian Bridges

Locks of love on Salzburg’s Makartsteg Pedestrian Bridges

Mirabell Gardens

Mirabell Gardens

Mirabell Gardens

What’s that hanging from the trees – Sloths? Monkeys? No! The von Trapp family singers! “Do-Re-Mi.” Remember? I walked through this garden once while a British children’s choir sang Elvis’ In the Ghetto. They sang behind some trees hidden in the park and their sweet little voices made the park all the more beautiful.

Mönchsberg Lift

(for your best Salzburg photo)
(included in Salzburg Card) Take incline up and take a leisurely walk to the castle through the woods – great panorama shots of the city and castle – leaves from Anton-Neumayr-Platz

Hohensalzburg Castle / High Salzburg Fortress

View of Salzburg Castle from square beside Salzburg Dom

View of Salzburg Castle from square beside Salzburg Dom

Practically a must-see – the breathtaking white castle on top of the hill in Salzburg is one of the largest medieval castles in Europe. Construction began in 1077 (!) and Hohensalzburg Castle remains one of the best preserved castles in Europe.

St. Peter’s Cemetery / Petersfriedhof

Church in St. Peter's Cemetery, Salzburg

Church in St. Peter’s Cemetery, Salzburg

(Go see this when going to Stieglkeller or when taking the Festungsbahn cable car up the mountain). You know this place already. Besides being Salzburg’s oldest cemetery, it’s the cemetery where “the dramatic flight scene of Sound of Music took place.” You remember the heart-stopping scene when Julie and the kids hid behind the tombstones and we weren’t sure whether or not sweet-kid-turned-Nazi Rolf would blow his whistle. The Cemetery is located at the foot of the Festungsberg and Hohensalzburg Castle.

Salzburg Dom - View from the Stieglkeller Terrace

Salzburg Dom – View from the Stieglkeller Terrace

Salzburg Cathedral / Salzburg Dom

Salzburg’s beloved Baroque cathedral founded in 774 (!) on the remnants of a Roman town and rebuilt after a fire in 1181. In WWII a bomb crashed through the central dome. The US bombed Salzburg 15 times and though our target should have been the train station, we very unfortunately missed our mark. If you’re interested, this website provides an overview of the US bombing of Salzburg complete with stats.

Hellbrunn Palace

Hellbrunn Table before the fun begins

Hellbrunn Table before the fun begins

Be sure to do the Hellbrunn Palace tour. The palace is a bit outside the main city but bus #25 (#25 – click here for PDF of schedule ) will take you there rather painlessly. And just for you, loyal reader, I have included the bus schedule here b/c I love when websites make my life easier too.)

Hellbrunn Tour - the Water Table

Hellbrunn Tour – the Water Table

The bus is free if you have the Salzburg ticket (see above) and easy to catch in the city. The palace is worth the effort – especially on a hot day. Just don’t be water shy (no matter how sweet you might be, you won’t melt) and maybe have some kind of plastic bag to cover your camera. That’s all I’m sayin. I don’t want to ruin the surprise. Oh and one last thing – fight to sit at the head of the table when you tour the gardens. You’ll love me for it. And don’t forget to look for the Sound of Music Pavillon (“I am 16 going on 17”). If you are so inspired – do a selfie video of your rendition of Rolf or Liesl singing and hanging from the sides gazebo and I will post it here – no matter how off key you are. Bound to get me a few clicks.

Food
(cause you gotta eat and the beer is really really good)

Stieglkeller

Entrance to Stiegl Keller Restaurant

Entrance to Stiegl Keller Restaurant

Austrian cuisine, great beer and dinner with the best view in town (see Salzburg Dom photo above for exact view from terrace)
(contact them ahead of time and reserve a table on the terrace for a time around sunset – have your hotel call for you) for a stunning view of Salzburger Dom. Last time we went, the weather didn’t cooperate and we ended up inside – also nice but not nearly as beautiful. So if you have to choose – do Müllner Bräu if the weather is lousy.
Reserve your table here: http://www.taste-gassner.com/stieglkeller/kontaktformular_dt.php
Familie Gassner, Festungsgasse 10, 5020 Salzburg
Tel.: +43 662 / 84 26 81
Web: www.stieglkeller.at  

Müllner Bräustübl

Dinner with the best monk-brewed beer (+ garden) and coolest Harry Potter style dining rooms
The monks do know how to drink – a bit of a walk and a bit hidden but super worth the effort, I promise.

Fuzzy photo of monk brew at Müllner Bräu - 1/2 L and 1 L Krugs

Fuzzy photo of monk brew at Müllner Bräu – 1/2 L and 1 L Krugs

Beer garden it for the evening and plan to walk or taxi it back to the hotel (this should be your last stop because you will need to enjoy a pleasant sleep after these brews). When you enter the building, you will probably think I led you astray because you might feel like you’re in the wrong place. But would I ever lead you astray? Go through doors, down steps and through the hall, pass a bunch of food vendors in the marble corridor (get your chicken later) and then go around the corner until you reach the doors to go outside. (Let’s just hope you really are in the right place at this point).

Just follow the others once you are inside or ask: “May I trouble you to ask where the lovely beer garden may be?” Always smile and rely on Austrians’ boundless patience with clueless tourists.

Now comes the point where you have to act strategically. One person in your party needs to queue for the beers (one person can generally manage two 1-liter beers in the big mugs (see fuzzy photo taken after beer) while the more nibble and intimidating person (martial arts experience perhaps?) in the party needs to see about engaging in the beloved Austrian contact sport of “Grab-the-free-table-at-the-beer-garden.” This requires quick reflexes and the ability to act blind and deaf if someone else claims they had it first. You see one free, grab it and secure the chairs with your life. Don’t let the Dirndls and Lederhosen fool you. Austrians are ruthless when it comes to snatching up a free table – no civilized waiter-shows-you-your-place here. Get to know the locals and other tourists a bit better and wrestle if you have to. It will be worth it. I promise. (and send pics!).

  And if nothing is free and someone dares to hog up a table much too big for their group –kindly ask if you can join them by saying “Ist das noch frei?” (Is that still free/available? Pronounce “frei” as if you are saying “fry” or “cry” – as in ‘I will cry if I can’t get a seat in this beautiful awesome beer garden’ And if you do join another party, at the end of the evening, you’ll all be fluent in the same language and the best of friends. And if you have extra seats, be gracious and let the desperate join your party). Be sure to use the same phrase (“Ist das noch frei?”) when trying to swipe an empty unused chair from another table.

If the weather is cold or rainy don’t fret — the dining room inside will make you feel like you are Harry Potter at Hogwarts – As an American, I have to say, this is how we picture the charms of the Old World and it’s even better. Epcot Center got nothin’ on this place! It alone makes a trip to Salzburg worth it.

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Last but not least, a somber but lovely poem from Austrian poet, Nikolaus Lenau, about that beautiful cemetery with my attempt at a halfway decent translation:

ST. PETER’S CEMETERY
– Austrian poet Nikolaus Lenau 

O schöner Ort, den Toten auserkoren,
zur Ruhestätte für die müden Glieder!
Hier singt der Frühling Auferstehungslieder,
vom treuen Sonnenblick zurückbeschworen.
Oh beautiful place, the chosen of the dead
 to rest their tired limbs
Spring sings here a resurrection song
summoned back by the view of the faithful sun
Wenn alle Schmerzen auch ein Herz durchbohren,
dem sein Liebstes senkt zur Erde nieder,
doch glaubt es leichter hier: wir sehn uns wieder:
es sind die Toten uns nicht ganz verloren.
When all pain pierces the heart as well
whose loved one sinks down to the earth
yet the belief „‘we’ll meet again‘ is easier here
the dead are not completely lost to us
Der fremde Wanderer, kommend aus der Ferne,
dem hier kein Glück vermodert, weilt doch gerne hier,
wo die Schönheit Hüterin der Toten.
The foreign wanderer, coming from afar 
who here no luck decays, yet likes to linger here,
where beauty keeps the dead
Sie schlafen tief und sanft in ihren Armen,
worin zu neuem Leben sie erwarmen,
die Blumen winkens, ihre stillen Boten
They sleep deep and gently in her arms
where she warms them to new life
The flowers wave, her silent heralds
(Translation KC Blau)
 
 

 

 

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Time to Have a Ball – Vienna, World Capital of Balls – Ball 101

We can dance if we want to, we can leave your friends behind, because your friends don’t dance and if they don’t dance, Well they’re no friends of mine.
– Men at Work, You Can Dance If You Want to

No matter what you like – boogie, techno, brass bands, coffee, flowers, real estate, Mozart, whips, chains and leather – there is a ball for you.

Remember prom? You in a floor-length gown, him in a tux at the Marriott “Grand Ball Room” with its patterned carpets and stackable chairs. The room made to look upscale by helium-filled metallic balloons and some pink carnations. A DJ played music upon request over a sound system meant for a room 10 times the size. During the slow dances you resembled a weeble wobble zombie who won’t fall down and during the not-so-slow dances part of a larger group of teens experiencing some kind of body-contorting seizure. Ahh the good old days. The prom.

A Vienna Ball is nothing like your prom. Nothing. Except maybe the gown and the tux. But beyond that, nothing at all.

No, a Vienna Ball is a thousand times better and should definitely be one your bucket list and I am going to help you with some little Ball 101.

Background
The Vienna ball season takes place during the carnival and is usually launched New Year’s Eve with the Imperial Ball http://www.legrandbal.at/ at the Imperial Palace.  Over 400 balls take place in the city during this time with over 300,000 guests. Balls are sponsored by occupational groups, trade unions, universities, interest groups — if you’ve got an interest, Vienna’s got the ball. And ball wear can vary from traditional gowns and tuxes to Austrian Dirndl dresses and Lederhosen to funky new wave what-would-you-call-what-is-covering-your-essentials. In the 1800s, Emperor Josef II began hosting dance events in the Redouten Halls of the Grand Imperial Palace. On a Carnival Monday on March 3, 1783, Mozart performed Masquerade in the Vienna Redouten Hall. On April 27, 1854, Johann Strauss directed the grand Court Ball in the Redouten Halls to celebrate Emperor Franz Josef’s wedding with the Bavarian Princess Elisabeth (Empress“Sissy”).

Me and my friend at the Lifeball 2014

Me and my crazy Philly buddy at the Lifeball 2014

BALL 101 — QUICK FACTS TO HELP YOU OUT

Not Having a Man is No Excuse
Don’t have a man? Get one here: Taxi Dancer – Rent a Man … to Dance – Check out my post entitled Taxitänzer (Taxi Dancer) – Rent a Man…To Dance.

What to Wear
Don’t wait for the fairy godmother to show up and wave her magic wand. You need to go in style and this Ball Guide should help with the basics> Vienna Unwrapped’s List of Evening Dress Shops in Vienna

Hallway at Kaffeesiederball during Midnight Show

Hallway at Kaffeesiederball during Midnight Show

The Ball Opening
The honored guests parade into the ballroom and are seated. Next come the debutants who are dressed in long white gowns, long white gloves and crowns. They are accompanied by their “cavaliers” who are handsome young men also wearing white gloves and coat and tails. As they enter the ball room, typically Fächer-Polonaise from Carl Michael Ziehrer plays. Here is the Vienna Business Ball Opening from 2012

How do you know it’s time for everyone to dance?
After the debutantes and their partners do their little numbers, the master of ceremony declares the infamous words, “Alles Walzer” (Everything Waltzes) and all the guests flood out onto the dance floor and dance.

You can dance if you want to, but if you can’t, don’t let that stop you.
Just because you have two left feet, doesn’t mean you wouldn’t enjoy attending a ball in Vienna. In 2010, a survey conducted by the Vienna Economic Chamber asked ball guests why they liked to attend the Vienna balls. Dancing didn’t make the top three reasons. Instead, they said they liked to go because they wanted to:

Kaffeesiederball Vienna Imperial Palace

Kaffeesiederball Vienna Imperial Palace

1)      spend a nice evening with their partners
2)      enjoy the flair
3)      meet up with friends

At midnight, don’t run home unless you’re Cinderella
Midnight at the Ball is usually what they call the “Mitternachtseinlage” which is a break in the normal ball event for a special performance in the main ball room by featured guests and should be a surprise treat for the guests.

Ladies always get to take home a gift (and I don’t mean the dance partner)
Damenspende: a gift for each of the ladies as she enters the ball (or goes home)

The Invitation
How do you ask the lady to dance? “Darf ich bitten?” And if you are at a table with a group of people you know, be sure to ask every lady to dance by the end of the evening if you want your manners to keep stride with your tuxedo appearance.

Who knew?
Gentlemen who wear a coat and tails are not supposed to wear a wrist watch (tsk! tsk!) but rather a pocket watch on a gold chain.  As if anyone nowadays is wearing a watch anyway. Maybe you can get a pocket watch app and be trendy or a gold chain for your I-Phone.

Raffle Goodies at Kaffeesiederball

Raffle Goodies at Kaffeesiederball

Raffle Tickets / Tombola
Raffle tickets are usually sold at balls and sell out quickly so if you see a long line forming that isn’t for the restrooms, elbow your way in and buy some tickets. At many of the balls, every ticket will win you something or another.

How do you know it’s time to go home?
The Viennese have a subtle way to indicate it’s been fun but now it’s time to hit the road– the song that means “scram go home now” is “Brüderlein fein” from Ferdinand Raimund (1826) and is typically the very last song of the ball. I am adding it here so you recognize it and don’t embarrass yourself by requesting an encore once it’s played — “Brüderlein fein” with Hans Moser and Renate Holm.

What every Girl Must Learn
Check out my post on what balls and sex have in common with some advice from Dr. Ruth and Emily Post: What every Girl Must Learn: Advice for Balls and Sex.

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Little brother so fine, little brother so fine
don’t be upset with me
little brother so fine, little brother so fine,
don’t be upset with me
even when the sun is still shining so beautifully
she has to go down sometime.
Little brother so fine, little brother so fine,
don’t have to be sad
Brüderlein fein, Brüderlein fein,
Mußt mir ja nicht böse sein;
Brüderlein fein, Brüderlein fein,
Mußt nicht böse sein.
Scheint die Sonne noch so schön,
Einmal muß sie untergehn.
Brüderlein fein, Brüderlein fein,
Mußt nicht traurig sein.

For a comprehensive list of the 2014 Balls in Vienna so you can plan which ones you should be attending, see my next post: 2014 Vienna Ball Calendar. Print This Post

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